Heartless

I guess the "overly dramatic i have to be your friend in a hard time to make myself feel important or caring" person would consider me heartless for my opinions on some things. If that's how they feel, well, okay. That doesn't change my opinion.

I'm not one to tell someone how to handle a situation. if advice is asked for then I will tell you my opinion but otherwise I'll leave it be to your own dismay. However, I am also not someone to continually give sympathy to someone who merely strives to get attention.

It baffles me how someone can pick apart every single event and turn it around to be ALL ABOUT THEM. Hard times hit everyone, does that mean that you have to ruin the good times for everyone else? I surely hope not, but for some that appears to be the only outlet.

I'm still in shock at how so many people can buy into the pity parties. Really? What's done is done. Be a true friend and help them get through it. Don't hinder their growth by giving into they're almost pathetic attempt for attention.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to be something you never were. So why claim it now? It's becoming more and more evident it's all an attention hoax. While my heart hurts for people in these situations, it is also angered by their lack of consideration.

I will be the first one to be there for you if you need me. However, I will NOT say what you want to hear. I will call it like I see it. That's what a TRUE friend does. If you look fat in a shirt and ask me "do I look fat?" I will most definitely tell you yes. I would rather you be at your best than continue to allow you to hide under the fakeness of a false reality.

Reality is not the colors people paint your world, reality is the black and white that is there when the colors fade...

Marriage

Marriage is a sacred bond. I do not take that commitment lightly. While i have loved before my husband, i have never known a love as true as husband and wife.

I find it irritating that so many people seem to take this commitment so lightly. (of course there are some exceptions to everything) I've seen women who marry out of convenience. (note: i say women because that's what i've observed. i don't make it a point to see the guys side because, well i'm a woman get over it!) I've seen women who can so easily disregard that ring on their left hand. Why?

To me, marriage is when you feel at peace. You feel completely comfortable and happy that you have found the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. You feel confident that you can make this commitment in front of God, family and friends. So why do so many people just trash it?

I do not think that a married woman should be out at bars with a bunch of single guys. A girls night now and again is okay, but when people begin to perceive you as "that" wife... maybe you should stop saying they shouldn't judge you and realize what your ACTIONS are saying... (which trust me is far more than any words you can say) It saddens me really. Some women go out and SEARCH for that "acceptance" or "gratitude" from other men hitting on them. Don't get me wrong, every woman loves compliments, but I can't help but feel "dirty" or "annoyed" when someone "hits" on me. I just find it disgusting really. yet some wives are all about it. they THRIVE off of that.

Why is that? Is it because they married too young? Out of convenience?

I don't know the answer to that being as I'm not one of those women.

I also don't understand girlfriends acting as though they're married. Have you lived with this person? Have you committed yourself to them in front of God? Have you made ample amounts of effort to go from being 2 people into 1?

Marriage isn't a joke. It pisses me off that so many people (especially around my age) act as though it is. I'm sorry, but if you're a girlfriend you know NOTHING about marriage. You can threaten the "i'll break up with you" card all you like! In a marriage threatening the divorce card merely shows your immaturity and lack of true commitment to your spouse (said: always exceptions).

I understand that some people can love so strongly and feel as though they will be married one day, but UNTIL THAT DAY YOU ARE NOT A SPOUSE! I've been that girl that was so head over heels up my boyfriends ass swearing we'll get married (even got engaged) but guess what... I DIDNT MARRY THEM!! *SHOCK* i know, who would have thought MY plan may not have been GODS plan.

I'm just sick of it. It's irritating. I take my marriage seriously. I surround myself with friends who also take theirs seriously. We respect, support, encourage and prosper for our husbands. We move ALL OVER THE WORLD for our husbands. We make every effort to put their happiness before our own because they are our husbands.

Ephesians 5:22, 28-31. "Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, even as Christ is head of the church; and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so let wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wife as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it . . . So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church . . . For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shal.1 be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh".

I ask this... why make a committment you have NO intent to keep? why claim a committment that was never certain?

RESPECT MARRIAGE. Respect your marriage. Respect others marriage.

Pregnancy

This may be a little harsh but it's something that has been on my mind lately.

I know quite a few ladies who are pregnant right now. Most are pregnant with their second/third/fourth child but some are pregnant with their first.

While I understand not everyone is blessed with "easy" pregnancies, I do think a lot of it has to do with the person's attitude. I can't count on one hand the number of people I know who consistently complain every single day about how miserable they are or how hard their pregnancy is. For first timers I'm a little more lax on the subject because, well, it's all unknown to them. However, for the "veterans" as I'd like to call them, COME THE HECK ON!! You knew what you were getting into. Stop freaking complaining. You don't get more sympathy or more attention for it you just get more people annoyed with you. If pregnancy is SO awful then take some dang birth control!

I know this is probably "rude" in some people's eyes but really it's not like you didn't know what you were getting into. I find it hard to feel bad for people who induce the bad times on themselves. I think for a lot of women getting pregnant is a way to stay "center of attention" and that just annoys me.

However, first timers who act like their pregnancy is different then EVERYONE ELSE'S drive me nuts as well. For the most part, every pregnancy is very similar. Your uterus grows at the same rate, you have typically the same types of dr appointments, you have relatively the same fears as other moms (first timers and veterans) and much more. So why act as though you're the exception?

Newsflash. Pregnancy is hard work. You're very tired all the time, you're sore and your body is going crazy BUT you're not the only one to endure all this so we don't need an announcement everyday about it. I understand some women are very ecstatic to be pregnant and that's awesome for them, but again, we don't need daily updates! Especially when they're not only ludacris but physically impossible.

Some "complaints" i've heard lately just make me roll my eyes and shake my head. I mean seriously, you're not a walking science experiment (i'm sure there are a few out there like "I didn't know i was pregnant" and such) but for the most part you're going through what every pregnant woman before you has gone through. While I'll celebrate in your expecting of a new arrival I will not succumb (spelling?) to your attention whore tendencies. Sorry, just not on my list of things to do.

Remember, you're not the first pregnant chick out there. There were many before you and there will be many after you. Celebrate this new life that you're growing but take your complaints and count them before spilling to the world. I don't know if any of you have actually contemplated the heartache your constant complaining does for women who want so badly to have a child but can't,maybe you should step back a minute and realize that what you are growing is a blessing that not everyone is granted. So sit back, relax and ENJOY it.

Money

While I don't claim to be an expert in the finances department, I do like to think I have some common sense. I don't expect everyone to run their finances the way I do, but if you're going to ask for advice then please listen to it, don't just say "ya okay" and do nothing about it. You can politely agree to disagree or you can change.

Unfortunately, I know quite a few people who have money issues. The difference in most of these people is that SOME of them are actively trying to change. They are reading Dave Ramsey books, taking classes, speaking to financial advisors and much more.

However, there's quite a majority that do nothing but COMPLAIN. These people drive me nuts. I'm sorry but if you can't afford EGGS one pay period then maybe you should reevaluate your lifestyle. I worked very hard with my husband to get us to where we are today financially. We are 100% debt free. We live comfortably. However, we are NOT by any means wealthy. (in material lifestyle...)

It shocks me to see people's priorities. I know it's not "my issue" to deal with but in the same breath I get tired of the complaints. How is it that you can sit on my couch and complain about never having any money, yet EVERY SINGLE weekend you are out drinking and partying? How is it that you complain yet I've yet to see you in the same outfit more than once? How is it that you complain yet you drive around town "window shopping" wasting precious gas money and pay 4 car payments when you don't even NEED 2 cars.

I'm not speaking from a "high and mighty" place, but from a COMMON SENSE place. If you can't afford the lifestyle you're living then CHANGE it.

When Tommy and I first got married we had NOTHING. We lived on Ramen noodles for weeks & slept on a mattress we borrowed (used lightly) from the barracks. How romantic right? The thing is, we didn't live outside our means. The first 2 years of our marriage we had 1 vehicle. That's all we used. I don't care if you have a child(ren) and have to take htem to dr visits, school, etc. you DO NOT need 2 cars!!! If you really want to change YOU have to step up to the plate and make some (omgsh here it comes) SACRIFICES!!!

How shocking right? There's a reason all the clothes I have are either from high school or maternity. I had to make MANY sacrifices to get to where we are today as did my husband. No one can make the change for you except YOU.

So do me a favor, stop complaining and whining how you can't afford things when you're not truly making sacrifices. Stop going out to eat. Get rid of an extra car. Cable/internet is NOT a necessity. Start couponing (judge all you want but i guarantee i spend way less on groceries then a lot of people who don't coupon). Make a meal plan. Do snowballs (check dave ramsey for ideas on this). Most importantly, *gasp* GET A JOB!!!

I know this is a kind of brutally honest in your face post, but I'm sick and tired of it. You don't need a surround system. you don't need a new camera. You don't NEED a lot of things. Make sacrifices and be aware that your financial status can effect more than just what you buy that pay period. It can effect your ability to get jobs, your credit and much more.

So please people. Grow up. Make sacrifices. Become an adult. It's truly not THAT hard.

((Especially if you're in Okinawa. If you can't afford to live out here in the military then you will surely fail in the States if you don't make some changes/sacrifices. Not sure if you knew, but you don't get COLA in the States so if you're spending that extra money you get and "banking" on that to pay bills, etc. you're in for a VERY rude awakening when you are stationed stateside))

Having said that, I truly have no problem helping people out with their finances. I love teaching people about meal planning, couponing, snowballing debt, etc. I'm the first one to willingly lay it all out for you and explain it step by step to let you know what helped ME (yes i realize every situation is different but i can't give you advice unless it's advice that's worked for me). The only issue I have is when you ask questions or if you complain and I see that your'e truly not trying to make a change/sacrifice then i'm sorry but I have zero empathy.

GOODbye

Too often then not people (including me) focus on the bad parts of goodbyes.

Sidenote: why do they call them GOODbyes? What's good about them?

Last night while I laid in my bed trying to fall asleep I was thinking about this. Is it good to say bye? Is that the purpose of the word?

If you're curious too... Goodbye comes from God be with ye

I decided i wanted to focus on the good things about saying goodbye...particulary towards my husband since that's the situation I'm in right now. So I made a list... I think this will help me stay optimistic and positive for any time that my husband has to leave.

When i say goodbye to my husband...
1. I get more time to focus on God and read His word.
2. I get more self-reflection time. I'm able to use my time to focus on important things about my life as well as able to focus on ways to better myself which will ultimately help better our marriage.
3. I get more one on one time with both of my children. I can focus on each of them and i learn new things about them both. i consider myself blessed to have the ability to be a stay-at-home mom.
4. My house stays cleaner. Haha. Having 1 toddler is hard to clean up after when caring for a newborn but then adding a husband who loves to come home, eat, shower and then climb in bed makes it harder lol.
5. I can eat whatever I want to eat for dinner and whenever I want it.
6. I'm able to watch whatever I want on Tv.
7. I can snuggle with my kids in bed if they wake up in the middle of the night without worrying about him being exhausted the next day at work. (he doesn't sleep well at night when our kids are in bed with us)
8. I am able to use this as a learning experience and a growing experience for future times apart.
9. I realize more and more just how much I love my husband's ability to be an outstanding father. it becomes evident to me just how amazing of a father he is and just how thankful I am to have him. He truly does do a lot.
10. Strengthens my love for my husband. He truly is my best friend. I find myself having something happen and just wanting to talk to him. No one understands me like he does. He truly is my better half and I thank God for him daily. Absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder.

So my challenge to you is this. If your husband (or wife) is gone (even if just for a few hours, days, weeks, whatever), try not to focus on the bad. Make a list of the things you find GOOD about your GOODbye. It will help with your mood and if you have kids that mood will be evident to your children and make for a much easier transition.

xoxo
S

It gets easier in time...

I had a conversation with a friend the other day, whom I have a not so awesome common denominator with, that of losing a parent. This topic was brought up and I decided I felt like blogging it. So here ya go.

Whenever you lose someone you love for them to go to a better place there seem to be no words to help console the person who's lost someone. The only words that I have repeatedly heard (and even spoken myself) are... "It will get easier in time."

I disagree. (I can only speak on behalf of my situation, which is unlike any other. All situations are different. even if you have lost a mother it is still different from mine just as mine is different from yours.)

The first year after my mother's death was very hard. The next 2-5 yrs seemed to be a little easier. At the time I was 15-18 yrs old so my biggest concerns were what to wear to the dance, which boy to date and what car to drive. Really intense concerns right? Ha. It seemed that way at the time.

The 6-8 yr point has been the hardest for me. In this time I have gotten married and had 2 children. I feel like I have grown more from someone who viewed my mother as a great role model and best friend into more of a child yearning for that figure in my life. There are so many things that have happened (and will happen) that have been so much harder to handle then I ever imagined.

Getting married... if you know my husband and I then you know we were against all odds when we chose to get married. (luckily for us it worked out great...however, i see that it could not have just as easily) We opted to have a JOP (justice of the peace) wedding. I was there with a friend and he was there with a friend, his sister & our niece. That was it. Looking back I think it was probably best that way. While we are planning on having a huge wedding in the future (probably next year), I don't think I was prepared to handle the reality that would have hit me if we had chosen to do it then. As I watch "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC I am constantly reminded of how uncomfortable I felt shopping for homecoming/prom dresses with my dad or friends. I was always missing my mom. Could you imagine the intensity of that same situation but instead it being a wedding dress?! I think I would have lost it. (It's amazing in hindsight how you can see God's plan...He's always got a reason for everything and I think he showed me that in this situation)

Being pregnant... I had NEVER been around a pregnant person in my life. Granted I had a step sister (which i hate referring to as step but it's whatever it helps clarify for y'all I guess) who had my niece before I ever got pregnant but I wasn't really around her much then. I never knew what all pregnancy entailed. I was full of questions, concerns and skepticism. I don't know why this bothered me so much seeing as my adoptive mother couldn't have children, but alas it did. A lot. Blame it on the pregnancy hormones? Perhaps. I'm really not sure. I can say this, it was a huge blessing (again God doing what He knew needed to be done) that I was in contact with my biological (no i do not refer to her as my birth mother because she didn't just give birth to me and then off on her way she went...she is still a mother to me) mother because I was able to ask her all the questions I deemed worthy. She was a great support system and helped me as much as she could. I just always imagined telling my adoptive mother first when I found out I was pregnant.

Having a newborn... just like i'd never been around pregnant women I'd never really been around a newborn. There were many conversations I had with my biological mother where she'd laugh because it was so silly the questions I was asking. Like, do you keep the umbilical cord when it falls off for their memory book? Seriously? Who does that? haha I was very scared and everything was so new to me. I was also away from my family and friends. In the first year living away from my hometown in tx (i was in Ca) I had gotten married and had a baby. Talk about fast moving. (for the record, i had my son 6 days after our 1 yr anniversary. do the math. i did not get married because i was pregnant. thanks!)

As my son has grown up there have been so many milestones that he's hit or characteristics of his personality that I can only wonder if he's gotten from me. Luckily my adoptive mother shared a LOT with my biological mother because it was an open adoption. My biological mother has done the best she can and tells me stuff all the time. At the same time though I was in no way prepared to deal with the realization that although I had thought I had gone through the worst of losing my mother, it was evident there would be life events that would bring that pain back worse than I felt before.

Now I wasn't sitting there wondering if she'd like my boyfriend or if she'd think these shoes would go with this dress, I was wondering if she'd love my husband. If she'd be proud of how I handled my life. If she'd be proud of me. If I'd be half the mother she was to me. If she'd agree with my parenting or support it. If I'd be able to handle these serious steps in life on my own without that one person I knew I could contact.

I had no clue when I was 14 yrs old that I would be on this roller coaster. I tried so hard to believe people when they said "it gets easier in time," but you know what, it's bull! It doesn't get easier in time. You'll still have breakdowns. You'll still have moments you can't stand the fact they're gone. You'll second guess yourself and pray that they're proud of you and can calm your fears. You'll strive to be the best that they wanted you to be, but what sucks...you'll never get an answer.

All you can do is believe.

daddy's gone

The past 5 days i've played "single mom" to my kids. Or as others may call it "marine mom".

First and foremost, I'd like to say that I have the utmost respect for single moms. Especially ones who have zero support from their family. (not to say I don't have support from my family but being in Japan it is definitely limited on what they can do)

Sophia's so young she hasn't even noticed. T has had the hardest time. When Tommy left on Sunday he didn't quite grasp the idea that he was truly saying bye. He bawled at the door for 2 minutes before I could calm him down. Bedtime routines for the first 3 nights were awful because they usually always consist of daddy helping. T was up every 2-3 hrs each night until last night. Usually crying for daddy but sometimes just crying. It was heart wrenching as a mother to sit there and not be able to console your child or give them what they want.

As time went on we developed our own routine and things have been going pretty smoothly ever since. I must say though I'm definitely anxious to see T's face when daddy walks through the door. He will definitely be elated.

On the wife-front I definitely miss him. I think any woman who truly loves her spouse misses them whenever they're gone. The days seem to go by very quickly but once bedtime hits it's all quiet and no one to really talk to and your "marriage routine" is all out of whack. As anything it's something you have to adjust to and overcome. I did marry a Marine, so this obviously won't be our last time apart.

So to all you spouses awaiting your loved one to come home; be it a business trip, deployment, training, vacation, duty, whatever... here's to you! Remember each day, hour, minute is one closer to them being home and as much as you support them and are proud of them know that that feeling is mutual.

xoxox
S

breakdown

Life throws you trials almost everyday. Being a strong person you only hope you can pass through each one with flying colors. That's when God steps in and reminds you who is truly in charge.

Sometimes you need a breakdown to realize that while yes you are able to accomplish alot, without God you would be accomplishing nothing.

The past few days have been rather....intense... to say the least. While the to-do list got longer with each item I crossed off it wasn't until I felt like I'd hit rock bottom that I realized how to get out of this crazy spin. PRAY!

Some people say that "all they can do is pray" but in reality it's EVERYTHING you can do. The power of prayer is an amazing thing.

After struggling for the past 3 or 4 days and finally giving in and turning to God I woke up feeling much better. The sun was shining. My babies were smiling. What is there not to love?

So remember this, on every hard day that you face, remember you are not alone in facing it no matter HOW alone you may feel.

Drop to your knees and pray. No one can give you the comfort you need or fill that loneliness like God.

have a blessed thursday!

Hard times

I think it's safe to say that everyone, at some point in time, faces a "hard" day. There are many extremes to determine what you believe a hard day is. For example, it could be something as tiny as not getting the pair of jeans you really wanted at the mall today or as drastic as having lost a limb in a tragic accident or even losing a loved one. Regardless, everyone faces hard times.

I'm not a fan of high egos based on these hard times. I do not believe that a hard time defines you as a person but I do believe how you OVERCOME that hard time DOES!

I heard on a tv show (i can't remember which one) one day that two people were comparing their lives and comparing the crappy things that had happened to them. Finally one of them goes "if this is a competition on who's life is crappier, go ahead, you win!"

I loved that. Why does anyone want to win that battle? Is it for the attention? Is it for respect? Or perhaps they just can't come out from under that overwhelming hardship?

I would like to think that it's not for attention, but unfortunately I think far too often then not most everything is for attention. Attention of strangers? Attention of loved ones? Attention of true friends?

I can't answer those questions. As my close friends know, I'm not one to say "Hi, my name is Sara and i've had X, Y and Z happen to me in my life." I will say "Hi, my name is Sara and i'm married to an amazing man & have 2 beautiful kids."

THAT is how i define myself. By what I have achieved and accomplished in my life. All the hard times got me to where I am today. That doesn't mean I didn't have bad days or days where I was completely overrun by emotions. That also doesn't mean that I shut off my emotions and don't ever talk about those hardships. I talk about them as learning experiences. As things that have made me who I am today. One of my close friends recently asked me how my mother died. I told her and her response was "I'm so sorry you had to go through that." my response? "it's okay. i'm not. it made me who i am" doesthat mean i don't miss my mom and wish she was still alive? Heck no. but that also doesn't mean i run around expecting the world to owe me because of it either or let it run my life.

Am I alone in this feeling? Do you know people like I have mentioned? Why do you think they can't focus on the good? Why do they CHOOSE to define themselves by their hardships?

Idk. I have said it once and I'll say it again, it's not the hardship that defines you but how you overcome the hardship.

Be someone you'd want to know. :-)

Answers

These questions were submitted by Daring to Love...

Why do you think you have waited until now to be focused and comfortable to just being you?
I think as a child I was very reliant on my mother, which is somewhat expected, but looking back I remember lacking the amount of confidence I should have when it came to things like sports, boys, education, etc. I had a lot of people around me who loved me but I have a very strong personality. I was very reluctant to let anyone in and see just how not confident I really was. After my mom died, I looked anywhere and everywhere to feel that void. I was searching for someone to fill my confidence levels back the way that my mother did. Unfortunately I never told anyone that. So I went through life focusing on building my confidence in somewhat unhealthy manners. for example, looking for boyfriends to fill that void, friends to fill that void, alcohol to mask that void, etc. None of which are healthy ways to truly fill your confidence. When I married my husband I knew that all odds were against our relationship. We were the only ones who believed we could make it work and looking back I know that we truly had no idea if it would work or not. As time went on I let my guard down and my husband was (and is) a great listener. He pushed me to not only believe in myself but to be confident in myself. His ways were not what i "thought" i needed (think telling me i'm beautiful, telling me i'm a great mom, etc.) although he did do all of those things when i was feeling insecure or not so confident he would talk to me and explain to me that I had no reason NOT to be confident and that only I could truly make myself happy in this aspect of my life. As much as I had thought it was my mom (and it may have been as a child) I am a grown woman now and I need to be able to take care of myself. Before I was so worried about being alone. I never felt more alone until my mom died. Again, I ran to boys and alcohol as well as other things to feel that "void" but I was finding it wasn't helping at all. My husband has a very carefree attitude. It's not that he doesn't like people, but he doesn't seek their approval. If you don't like him, he doesn't care. That's not to say he's an asshole because he's one of the most easy going people you'll ever meet and most everyone likes him, but it means he doesn't put emphasis on people's opinions of him and unfortunately that was something I did and thrived on my entire life. Being married to him has made both of us grow drastically and one of those steps was me learning to be happy with me and to not live for other people but to live for myself and to be the best mother and wife I can possibly be.

Did having S change anything for you?
First of all, I love that you refer to my kids as T and S lol. I do that all the time :-) Having S changed a lot for me. Like i've said before, i viewed my life as having boys...all boys...MAYBE 1 girl. I never thought I'd get a girl so soon. She's opened my eyes to a much tender love. Not to say I don't love my son but I've always had a "it's okay he's a boy and tough" type attitude with him. If he falls we laugh. Not to make fun of him but to help prevent that sense of fear in him. Sophia has brought out such a gentler side in me. I'm ecstatic to take her to get her nails done, go shopping with her, have mommy/daughter dates, etc. I really feel like it's my 2nd chance at the relationship I missed out on with my mom. (before my mom died i wasn't into any of that yet. i was a huge tomboy and was just about to enter into my high school years) Having S also taught me that it's not so scary to have a girl. I remember thinking when I was pregnant with T and I would talk to other mother's who were pregnant with their first and they were having girls just being like "wow, i would not be able to do that. i would be devastated" and looking back that's SUCH an immature and naive attitude. Girls are amazing. Tommy and I have talked about having another child, and while we don't want to try soon, we have agreed we'll wait to find out the sex because now that we've grown up and matured a little bit more we both know we truly are going to be happy regardless boy or girl.

Do you feel differently from T then S ?
I think I answered this in the question above for the most part. Like I said, he's my rough and tough boy. My goal with him is to raise a gentleman, all around. That means things like holding doors for girls, being respectful of other people's feelings, saying ma'am and sir when addressing authority figures, using his manners, being polite, opening doors for women (car doors too) and all the other old chivalry things that I love about the old days. I don't want my son to turn into that asshole I dated (note: i am not making reference to one particular ex because to be honest i dated a lot of guys haha) I want him to be just like his father. A man of good faith, values, morals and respect.



Would you change anything in your life like a moment or a day?
At first reaction I would love to say yes. But I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason and while some things I have dealt with in my life weren't really ideal at the time the place that they've led and the woman they've made me become was worth all the heartache, tears and sorrows.

How would that change effect you today?
I don't want to change anything about my life right now. I'm truly living my fairytale.

Open board...

So someone contacted me and told me they loved the way I was so honest on my blog.

I was very happy when I received that message because it's what I want 2011 to be all about. I want to be me. Exactly who I am.

Not who people want me to be. Not who someone invisions me to be. But strictly ME.

So I propose this. I am curious, what do y'all want to hear about? Any questions you've always wanted to ask me? Anything you've ever been curious about my viewpoint on or wondered why i did what I did?

Here's your time. You can either leave me a comment annonymously if you don't feel comfortable being up front or you can just message me normally and let me know exactly what it is you'd like to know.

Ask away. My answers may not be what you want to hear. They may not be something you agree with. They may not be the glitter and glam you expect, but I can assure you this, they will be MY answers, 100% honest.

Have at it...

ETA: I'm going to leave this up from now 5pm (okinawa time on jan. 8 aka 3am CST) until Monday okinawa time. i'll answer any and all questions in a blog on monday. (okinawa time so sunday CST) have a great weekend :-)

Never Grow Up

I am a mother. I have a son who is 20 months old and he's my everything. I've always wanted a little boy for as long as I can remember. The day we found out he was in fact a HE was one of the most joyous days of my life. I picked the song "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd as the my song to him. I just knew he was going to be 100% boy...all rough and tough, daredevil, intense, extreme and much more. I was thrilled when he turned out that exact way. (although i could do without the mini-heart attacks when he's learning something new i.e. climbing out of cribs, climbing on tables, jumping off couches, etc.)

When T was 9 months old I found out I was pregnant and expecting. I wanted to keep the sex a secret. I felt distant from this pregnancy (i think mainly because i had JUST had T ((yes 9 months old but still that's pretty soon IMO)) not long before). I felt like I was taking time away from him and that wasn't fair to this precious baby boy i had waited for my entire life. Hubby convinced me to find out the sex and I found out she was a girl. The ultrasound tech's exact words were "it's a girl!" me: no reaction, no emotion Ultrasound tech: "did you not want a girl?" me: snaps out of it "oh no, that's awesome"

I was TERRIFIED. For months i kept saying "omgsh i'm having a girl" and i refused to buy ANYTHING for her for quite some time. Even when i did buy stuff it didn't really hit me. Not to say I didn't want a girl but to say that i was SCARED to have a girl. Everyone jokes that husbands are so scared of daughters because they know how they were to girls growing up. I was scared partially for that same reason but in large part for a different reason.

My adoptive mother (yes i have 3 moms i'll try and clarify them all for you when i speak about "mom") passed away when i was 14. She was my best friend. I went to her for and about EVERYTHING so when she passed i was completely lost. I had to go bra shopping for the first time on my own, shop for homecoming dresses with friends or my dad (grateful for them but it's not a mother), nail apts/hair apts by myself or with friends, learn the cruelty that is high school on my own, build my own self-confidence about boys on my own and so much more.

This isn't a pity party for me. I'm just saying it was VERY HARD growing through my teenage years without a mother and i made more than a few mistakes. Some very bad ones. So when I found out I was having a girl I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt excited because I could get a second chance at that mother/daughter relatioship I had with my mother but in the same breath I was terrified because I know how many mistakes I made and I want to lead my daughter down the right road and make sure she's the best woman she can be.

My whole pregnancy I felt very detached and I went through a whirlwind of emotions. However, that all came to a hault when S was born a little over 3 wks early and she was absolutely breathtaking. (which if you know me i think newborns are gross lol they just don't seem happy) Tears flew to my eyes and it was truly love at first sight. (not to say i didn't love my son but i always had that "hes a boy and he'll be tough and fine" attitude with him but this, this was a newborn little baby girl) I prayed right then for God to take care of me and to help me show her the world and to be a better person then I was and to never let me leave her.

The past 3.5 months have been the most gratifying days of my life. I have a son who is a natural big brother and loves his little sister or "sissy" as he calls her. S is so smiley it's impossible to have a bad day with her. I still could not decide on a song for her. Then I heard it, "Never Grow Up" - Taylor Swift, that was it! That was my song to my precious baby girl. To this day even singing it brings tears to my eyes and it calms S down right away. (as does "Simple man" for T)

I know I can't keep my daughter small forever. I can, however, teach her to grow up to be a strong, God-fearing woman. To love herself when she feels as no one else does. To turn her cheek when girls get catty. To respect herself even when the boys seem to not. To remember that she is 1 in a million and should act that way. To be humble and considerate of those who don't have what she's fortunate to be blessed with. To have a big heart and help those who need it.

My life forever changed the day I gave birth to my handsome, sweet, 100% tough, baby boy. I thought it was complete. God had a different plan. He introduced me to a love I had thought I had lost forever, the love of a mother/daughter. (this is not to say my other 2 mothers do not love me, because i know undoubtedly that they do. it's hard to explain. it's just not hte same. not their fault nor my own. we each (each mother) have our own unique reltionship)

So I'll close with this. The prayer I say every night with my children.

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. God bless Mommy, Daddy, Baby T and Sophia. And thank you for my guardian angel Grandma Sharon."
(my adoptive mother's name is sharon fyi)

Miss you daily mom. But I know that you're watching over me and my kids and I know you'd be so proud. Thank you for my amazing husband who's a hands on dad, my rough and tough boy and my sweet princess.

Teen Mom

While I can admit this show is a guilty pleasure for me, it's also a show that frustrates me.

Being a young mother (not a teen) and having 2 children of my own, I know what it's like to raise children.

I understand this show is geared towards young teens to convince them to not have sex and that a big part of teenage years is their social life and freedoms. However, what about the everyday struggles that go into being a parent? Why can't the show focus more on that?

Not every baby is a great baby. In fact, most if not all babies have their flaw. Be it colic, not good at sleeping, picky eater, etc. So why doesn't MTV focus on these aspects as well?

My daughter is 3 months old and sleeps 12 hrs a night. Amazing. (for me at least haha) However, it was a long 3 months attempting to get here there. There were nights I was up 3 or 4 times a night with her. Why doesn't MTV show those struggles of insane sleep deprivation but the fact that you STILL have to wake up?

What about shots? I don't know any mother that LOVES getting her children shots. Kids hate them. Babies cry. It's really a hard time for a first time parent to witness their child's first shots at a mere 2 months old. Why doesn't MTV show that?

Breastfeeding..don't get me started. Some people it works perfectly and they experience no pain, others it's a very tryng and tiring process especially added on top of the sleep deprivation...so again MTV I ask why don't you show this?

While I understand this is geared towards young adults, I do feel like these are important trials you face as a mother thatno matter what your age they should be included.

Also, I do not agree with a 2nd season of teen mom and of 16 & Pregnant. To me, I feel like it enables teens more to get pregnant because they think "oh well i could get a show on MTV" and it contradicts MTV's original stand point on why they created this show. If they had stuck with the original cast and not made more seasons I think it would have sufficed, but unfortunately they didn't.

I do realize though that there are a lot of people out there who will watch all the new seasons (me being one of them) because like I said it's a guilty pleasure of mine. It does bother me though.

So i ask you, what are your thoughts on the show? Will you let your children watch it?

Facebook = Friends

Okay, I have grown to love and hate facebook.

I do not feel like I need to be friends with everyone i know and everyone i used to know on facebook.

First of all it's a time consuming warptunnel. Secondly it makes friendships insanely impersonal. I can't count the number of people on my facebook that I don't hear from...EVER...but yet they seem to want to be friends with me. Idk if it's because they want to "stalk" me or if it's because they want to feel popular by their number of friends but it's just not what I want for my 2011.

I want to use fb as a way to get in contact with my friends/family back home as well as other friends I can't readily communicate with that I do care about and want to know how their lives are.

Just because someone is deleted off facebook why do they so readily jump to the conclusion that it's "drama" or that they are no longer a friend? Why can't it just be that someone wants to have a REAL friendship. Ya know, how in the old days you actually HUNG OUT with people and you actually picked up a phone and made a phone call (or hell even a text).

I just don't get it.

I do get that the ones who quickly jump to those rash conclusions were probably deleted in good context because their actions are proving the types of friends that they really were. I've already heard a huge fuss over deleting people a mere hr ago but only ONE person has come to me and asked me..."Why?" and you know what I told them? The exact reason why.

I don't want impersonal friendships. I don't need to know where you're checking in at all hours of the day. I don't need to know when your kid pooped or when your head hurts. I WANT AND NEED true friends. Friends that care to pick up a phone. Friends that make an effort to hang out. Friends that don't jump to the conclusion that it's just drama or immaturity but that know me and realize that maybe there's something ELSE motivating this "deleting."

True colors always shine through. Unfortunately for some they're just that ugly shade of purple that I can't seem to stand.

Side note: it does freak me out how quickly some noticed they were deleted. Were you stalking my page that second and tried to click on something else and couldn't see it? Or did I show up on a sidebar as "add as friend"? idk the answer to that question and while it's something i'd love to ask i'm not going to. The ones who care and the ones who want to be my friend will make that effort.

May sound selfish, but IMO, I feel like i've made plenty of effort. Given tons of chances. Opened my doors. Forgiven when maybe I shouldn't have. Trusted after continually being burned. Passed on goods to the ungrateful.

So here we go 2011. Those who mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind.

"Friends"

I am titling this "Friends" because that's just what it's about.

Ya know, those people you never hear from unless they need something? Or the ones who are a mutual "friend" and act like they care because they're getting somethng but in the end they're quick to judge you based on what they hear from other "friends."

These people piss me off.

Being someone who is a giver by nature I notice I seem to surround myself by a lot of takers. I have no problem having an "open door policy" at my house. If you need something I'll go out of my way to be there for you be it meds for your child, an ear to vent to, some help with your budgeting, insight on my parenting style, advice on the MC lifestyle or maybe some hand me downs that could prove to ease your life in whatever way you need.

Well, this open door policy is coming to a quick close. I don't want to say i'm throwing it out the window, but I am going to have a "bouncer" at the door. You have to be on the VIP list to rate those privileges in a friendship from me. I'm no longer going to endure your "fake friendship" because you feel you're getting what you need.

Friendship is like marriage. It takes work. You have to communicate and work through you problems as well as give as much as you take. You're not my pimp so why am I constantly giving to you? It's simple. Because I let you. Well, not anymore.

Good riddance.

I don't have to be friends with everyone. I don't have to be the center of attention. I don't have to surround myself with fake people. What I have to do is make sure that my husband and children are healthy, happy and supported. Make sure I am healthy, happy and supported. If you can't contribute to those aspects of my life then don't be shocked when the door is slammed in your face.

2010 brought people into my life who were "friends" 100%. I had "friends" make assumptions and slam the door in my face. I had "friends" who knew me well enough to know that i don't judge people's parenting but yet they were quick to turn around and judge mine. I had "friends" who were so jealous of my life or things my children had they had to voice their opinions to others as well as myself and write it off as "not filtering." Lots of time the excuses were "that's just how i am" well, fine. This is just how i am.

I know that I'm a "ride or die" type friend. I will be there for you through thick and thin. But I'm learning not everyone deserves that type of friendship and i'm not going to lower my standards on what I think a good friend is just to appease your insecurities.

So it begins...filtering through my life (technologically and in real life) to rid myself of all these "friends"

The potential drama that could ensue has kept me from doing this for a long time. However, a dear friend of mine explained to me there's only drama if i respond. So if you think this is about you, well you're most likely right. Say what you want. Think what you want. Be who you want. But just know that I'm going to keep saying and thinking what I want as well as continuing to be who I want.

I have 3 mothers. I certainly don't need anymore.

Reality...

Well, here I am writing my first blog. idk how long i'll keep this up, but I'd like to keep up with it pretty regularly.

I am starting this blog to keep me true to MY feelings.

It was brought to my attention full force in 2010 that i was TOO NICE. My entire life my father always told "be nice Sara, that's all you have to do is be nice" and as much as I understand where he was coming from boy did those 2 words get me into trouble in life.

Too often i'm giving people the benefit of the doubt and continually being taken advantage of. I give even when I have nothing left to give. Now while this is a good quality it's also a very bad quality. It has caused me pain in many ways in my life.

2011 has brought on a new attitude. I refer to it as my "inner bitch." I'm not one to let someone attack me and walk all over me but unless there's huge confrontation I try and find the silver lining and keep telling myself  "oh they didn't mean it like that." well, not anymore. It's time to stand up for myself and for once I could really careless if you like me or hate me.

I am me. That is all I know how to be. I am Tommy's wife. I am Tommy & Sophia's mother.

So be ready. If you feel like reading go ahead. But from here on out it's MY feelings i'm going to think about and MY life that i'll worry about taking care of. Take it or leave it. This is me.