Never Grow Up

I am a mother. I have a son who is 20 months old and he's my everything. I've always wanted a little boy for as long as I can remember. The day we found out he was in fact a HE was one of the most joyous days of my life. I picked the song "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd as the my song to him. I just knew he was going to be 100% boy...all rough and tough, daredevil, intense, extreme and much more. I was thrilled when he turned out that exact way. (although i could do without the mini-heart attacks when he's learning something new i.e. climbing out of cribs, climbing on tables, jumping off couches, etc.)

When T was 9 months old I found out I was pregnant and expecting. I wanted to keep the sex a secret. I felt distant from this pregnancy (i think mainly because i had JUST had T ((yes 9 months old but still that's pretty soon IMO)) not long before). I felt like I was taking time away from him and that wasn't fair to this precious baby boy i had waited for my entire life. Hubby convinced me to find out the sex and I found out she was a girl. The ultrasound tech's exact words were "it's a girl!" me: no reaction, no emotion Ultrasound tech: "did you not want a girl?" me: snaps out of it "oh no, that's awesome"

I was TERRIFIED. For months i kept saying "omgsh i'm having a girl" and i refused to buy ANYTHING for her for quite some time. Even when i did buy stuff it didn't really hit me. Not to say I didn't want a girl but to say that i was SCARED to have a girl. Everyone jokes that husbands are so scared of daughters because they know how they were to girls growing up. I was scared partially for that same reason but in large part for a different reason.

My adoptive mother (yes i have 3 moms i'll try and clarify them all for you when i speak about "mom") passed away when i was 14. She was my best friend. I went to her for and about EVERYTHING so when she passed i was completely lost. I had to go bra shopping for the first time on my own, shop for homecoming dresses with friends or my dad (grateful for them but it's not a mother), nail apts/hair apts by myself or with friends, learn the cruelty that is high school on my own, build my own self-confidence about boys on my own and so much more.

This isn't a pity party for me. I'm just saying it was VERY HARD growing through my teenage years without a mother and i made more than a few mistakes. Some very bad ones. So when I found out I was having a girl I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt excited because I could get a second chance at that mother/daughter relatioship I had with my mother but in the same breath I was terrified because I know how many mistakes I made and I want to lead my daughter down the right road and make sure she's the best woman she can be.

My whole pregnancy I felt very detached and I went through a whirlwind of emotions. However, that all came to a hault when S was born a little over 3 wks early and she was absolutely breathtaking. (which if you know me i think newborns are gross lol they just don't seem happy) Tears flew to my eyes and it was truly love at first sight. (not to say i didn't love my son but i always had that "hes a boy and he'll be tough and fine" attitude with him but this, this was a newborn little baby girl) I prayed right then for God to take care of me and to help me show her the world and to be a better person then I was and to never let me leave her.

The past 3.5 months have been the most gratifying days of my life. I have a son who is a natural big brother and loves his little sister or "sissy" as he calls her. S is so smiley it's impossible to have a bad day with her. I still could not decide on a song for her. Then I heard it, "Never Grow Up" - Taylor Swift, that was it! That was my song to my precious baby girl. To this day even singing it brings tears to my eyes and it calms S down right away. (as does "Simple man" for T)

I know I can't keep my daughter small forever. I can, however, teach her to grow up to be a strong, God-fearing woman. To love herself when she feels as no one else does. To turn her cheek when girls get catty. To respect herself even when the boys seem to not. To remember that she is 1 in a million and should act that way. To be humble and considerate of those who don't have what she's fortunate to be blessed with. To have a big heart and help those who need it.

My life forever changed the day I gave birth to my handsome, sweet, 100% tough, baby boy. I thought it was complete. God had a different plan. He introduced me to a love I had thought I had lost forever, the love of a mother/daughter. (this is not to say my other 2 mothers do not love me, because i know undoubtedly that they do. it's hard to explain. it's just not hte same. not their fault nor my own. we each (each mother) have our own unique reltionship)

So I'll close with this. The prayer I say every night with my children.

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. God bless Mommy, Daddy, Baby T and Sophia. And thank you for my guardian angel Grandma Sharon."
(my adoptive mother's name is sharon fyi)

Miss you daily mom. But I know that you're watching over me and my kids and I know you'd be so proud. Thank you for my amazing husband who's a hands on dad, my rough and tough boy and my sweet princess.