It gets easier in time...

I had a conversation with a friend the other day, whom I have a not so awesome common denominator with, that of losing a parent. This topic was brought up and I decided I felt like blogging it. So here ya go.

Whenever you lose someone you love for them to go to a better place there seem to be no words to help console the person who's lost someone. The only words that I have repeatedly heard (and even spoken myself) are... "It will get easier in time."

I disagree. (I can only speak on behalf of my situation, which is unlike any other. All situations are different. even if you have lost a mother it is still different from mine just as mine is different from yours.)

The first year after my mother's death was very hard. The next 2-5 yrs seemed to be a little easier. At the time I was 15-18 yrs old so my biggest concerns were what to wear to the dance, which boy to date and what car to drive. Really intense concerns right? Ha. It seemed that way at the time.

The 6-8 yr point has been the hardest for me. In this time I have gotten married and had 2 children. I feel like I have grown more from someone who viewed my mother as a great role model and best friend into more of a child yearning for that figure in my life. There are so many things that have happened (and will happen) that have been so much harder to handle then I ever imagined.

Getting married... if you know my husband and I then you know we were against all odds when we chose to get married. (luckily for us it worked out great...however, i see that it could not have just as easily) We opted to have a JOP (justice of the peace) wedding. I was there with a friend and he was there with a friend, his sister & our niece. That was it. Looking back I think it was probably best that way. While we are planning on having a huge wedding in the future (probably next year), I don't think I was prepared to handle the reality that would have hit me if we had chosen to do it then. As I watch "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC I am constantly reminded of how uncomfortable I felt shopping for homecoming/prom dresses with my dad or friends. I was always missing my mom. Could you imagine the intensity of that same situation but instead it being a wedding dress?! I think I would have lost it. (It's amazing in hindsight how you can see God's plan...He's always got a reason for everything and I think he showed me that in this situation)

Being pregnant... I had NEVER been around a pregnant person in my life. Granted I had a step sister (which i hate referring to as step but it's whatever it helps clarify for y'all I guess) who had my niece before I ever got pregnant but I wasn't really around her much then. I never knew what all pregnancy entailed. I was full of questions, concerns and skepticism. I don't know why this bothered me so much seeing as my adoptive mother couldn't have children, but alas it did. A lot. Blame it on the pregnancy hormones? Perhaps. I'm really not sure. I can say this, it was a huge blessing (again God doing what He knew needed to be done) that I was in contact with my biological (no i do not refer to her as my birth mother because she didn't just give birth to me and then off on her way she went...she is still a mother to me) mother because I was able to ask her all the questions I deemed worthy. She was a great support system and helped me as much as she could. I just always imagined telling my adoptive mother first when I found out I was pregnant.

Having a newborn... just like i'd never been around pregnant women I'd never really been around a newborn. There were many conversations I had with my biological mother where she'd laugh because it was so silly the questions I was asking. Like, do you keep the umbilical cord when it falls off for their memory book? Seriously? Who does that? haha I was very scared and everything was so new to me. I was also away from my family and friends. In the first year living away from my hometown in tx (i was in Ca) I had gotten married and had a baby. Talk about fast moving. (for the record, i had my son 6 days after our 1 yr anniversary. do the math. i did not get married because i was pregnant. thanks!)

As my son has grown up there have been so many milestones that he's hit or characteristics of his personality that I can only wonder if he's gotten from me. Luckily my adoptive mother shared a LOT with my biological mother because it was an open adoption. My biological mother has done the best she can and tells me stuff all the time. At the same time though I was in no way prepared to deal with the realization that although I had thought I had gone through the worst of losing my mother, it was evident there would be life events that would bring that pain back worse than I felt before.

Now I wasn't sitting there wondering if she'd like my boyfriend or if she'd think these shoes would go with this dress, I was wondering if she'd love my husband. If she'd be proud of how I handled my life. If she'd be proud of me. If I'd be half the mother she was to me. If she'd agree with my parenting or support it. If I'd be able to handle these serious steps in life on my own without that one person I knew I could contact.

I had no clue when I was 14 yrs old that I would be on this roller coaster. I tried so hard to believe people when they said "it gets easier in time," but you know what, it's bull! It doesn't get easier in time. You'll still have breakdowns. You'll still have moments you can't stand the fact they're gone. You'll second guess yourself and pray that they're proud of you and can calm your fears. You'll strive to be the best that they wanted you to be, but what sucks...you'll never get an answer.

All you can do is believe.